Ramblings

Today has been a bit of a rough day for me. I don't exactly know what is bothering me but there's something there under the surface causing this anxiety of sorts. I've been short with everyone today. I think its the pressure of the atmosphere around me.

I'm nervous about March coming around and unemployment running out. I know it bothered me today having to go to the bank and withdraw $300 to pay on bills. Money is really affecting me lately. And I just really don't know how to let that go from my mind. Little things have irritated me all day long because of myself allowing them to (interrupting, unwanted commentary/bashing, etc.). Apparently I just wanted to be left alone all day, but yet I put myself out there. Why? I don't know honestly. Maybe because I knew doing that would allow for the lashing out. That's so unhealthy to do.

I can't seem to figure out what is going on inside that is the root of all this. I don't want to be isolated, but I want control over what's talked about and control of the answers to the questions that I ask. Maybe that's the problem. I feel a bit out of control and this is my vain attempt at trying to have complete control of everything that's going on.

I know that in reality that I have little control over things. I can control my reaction to outside things. The problem is the intense need to have control over everything.

I've worked on two papers that are coming around to being due. One due on Sunday and I don't really know what direction to take it in. Then the other for my Art History class...I have a thought to change what I originally was going to discuss in the paper.

I hope to get some clarity on my feelings. I think it really best to just get into bed and try to relax, then sleep.